We are Never Alone!

It is on days like these that I start out feeling pretty good and think I have more spoons than I actually have and then soon realize it is on days like these where I seem to fall short.  I find myself wanting to do more than I actually can due to the increased energy level.  I then end up pushing myself too hard and make my family and myself miserable in the process. I am still trying to find that perfect balance between what I can and can’t do.

Because we are going to be out of town for my oldest daughter’s 23^rd birthday  next week I wanted to make a special birthday dinner for her tonight. I tried to keep things simple. I made a cheesecake for her yesterday and then today after my sons baseball game, I ordered salad, breadsticks, and pasta sauce from Olive Garden to use on the gluten free pasta I purchased last week. I thought I made this meal simple enough to not cause me any undue stress or work that would lead to a flare. But what I did not count on was the emotional stress that it would cause.  My son’s game took longer than I thought and the take out was a much longer wait than expected. This made me stressed and emotionally distraught. I tried so hard to not get uptight about such simple things. But because my adrenals are not working properly it seems to make me much more vulnerable at not being able to deal with stressors very well.

Due to the pain and exaustion I was very uptight and I took it out on my hubby, who then became uptight himself, which then led to the kids becoming uptight. WOW, when we finally made it to Kaylee's house, she said she could feel the contention that we so lovingly brought with us! I was so mad at myself for allowing my feelings to spread to others. I know I need to eliminate even more of what I think I can do. I am learning that its just not worth making yourself and everyone else around you miserable in the process of trying to do things you think are important but really don't matter!

When we got home from the dinner both of us had once again reached a breaking point. We had both had it. He lashed out in resentment and anger towards this disease. I also felt so upset and angry at this disease and wanted to just be done having this illness.  I was just so done not being normal and was sick and tired of the toll it was taking on both my husband and my family. 

Tonight was just another point in this process of the grieving and growing process that seems to go along with the ups and downs of dealing with challenges that seem to have a way of changing us.

When you reach these moments you have a decision to make. You can either reach up toward the Lord or reach away from him. You can either blame him or embrace him. Tonight I wanted to scream and just be angry. I went for a drive. Oddly enough, I found myself driving to the cemetery where my brother, both grandpas, and recently my grandma were buried. I hadn't been able to bring myself to visiting there last week on my brothers and grandmas birthdays. I was in such a difficult place after all the biopsies that I knew I did not have the strength to even handle the toll it would take on my body.

As I sat in my car in the cemetery I laughed at the fact that I was sitting in a cemetery at 10 :00 at night. It seemed so funny to think that I would somehow find peace there. I remember crying out and telling the Lord I just wanted to be done with all of this. I was so sick of not being the woman I once was. I just wanted to be done. I remember letting all of the anger and resentment out that night. After all the tears and anger left the next thing I knew I felt as if arms were begin wrapped around me. I felt so much love. I knew the Lord was comforting me and I felt surrounded by the love my family had for me. Words that came to my mind were, "You can do it, don't give up" We love you, You can make it!" Never in my life have I ever felt so much peace by the graveside of my loved ones. It felt as if they wrapped their arms around me and were all there telling me that I could make it. I left the cemetery that night feeling so uplifted and loved and with a new determination that I can and will make it through this!

Tonight I learned that we are never alone. Not only will our loved ones on this earth always be here for us, but when they get burned out, we have our loved ones who have passed as our guardian angels lifting us up when we need it most. We also have the Savior who is our greatest source of love and peace and knows exactly how to help us. All we need to do is just ask and he will carry us when we just can't go another step. How eternally thankful I am for my family, both past and present, and the power of prayer that helps us make it through our most difficult days.