Just Not TODAY!

I woke up this morning excited to substitute for a primary class today. I was super excited to be able to teach again. I love kids and was so excited to prove to myself and my family that I could teach again. Once again my brain was running the show and telling me that teaching primary would be a no brainer. I have taught for years and thought this was going to be a piece of cake.  

Now this is exactly what my mind was telling me I could do. So I prepared for the lesson, went to church, and then to primary. My daughter volunteered to help me teach in class. I told her she could help with my first class but not the second because I wanted her to go to her young woman's class. 

Now I seemed to do okay during the 1st half of the class, but by the 2nd half, my lungs stared burning and pain was in full flare mode. My migraine was starting and the fatigue was setting in fast. 

Although I was starting to flare I knew that I could not just leave the kids alone. I stuck it out and pushed myself another 45 minutes. 

After church I walked in the door of my house and tried to put a smile on my face through the pain. My family seemed to see right through me but I still was too stubborn to show them that I couldn't do what I thought I could. I didn't want to admit to them that there was another thing I couldn't do anymore!!!!

But boy, was I not going to admit to them that I couldn't do it. I came home helped with dinner and then taught FHE. Afterwards…. I crashed big time. I felt as if a steam roller had rolled over me. I knew I had to quit being so stubborn and trying to pretend that I was okay and that I could do it all….. But just for today I wanted so badly to just pretend I was the old person I used to be…..  

The person that could do anything she wanted with never ending energy! Oh how I long for that person again! It is on days like these where I am reminded of my new normal. It is on days like these that I want to push myself past what limits everyone, including this disease, puts upon me just to see if somehow or someway I can do what I used to be able to do again! Is that really too much to ask for?

I know this sounds silly and sometimes even crazy but I don't want to give up the fight that is still left in me. I will fight this illness and battle each day in trying to get my old self back! I think that if we give in to the disease inside of us then that is giving in to hope. I have to have hope each day in order to stay the course and make it through no matter what I must face in this life. 

Maybe tomorrow I will admit I can't do it… but just not today!!!